I bought this on impulse the other day:

apple from hell image

As you can see, this thing is so horrible that the retailers had no choice but to tie it with what I assume to be a spiritual ribbon before sealing it inside a blessed cylinder. My camera kindly recorded the date I bought it right onto the photo. I’ve not yet worked up the courage to break the seal.

It’s got a chocolate shell studded with pecans. There might be caramel involved somewhere, but I’m not sure. The package would have me believe there’s an apple in there as well.

I have no idea how one goes about consuming such a thing. Apparently it serves 8-10 people, so I’m contemplating having some sort of candy apple party at my place. It would be good to have some friends in on this because (1) almost everything is better with friends and (2)… well…

I don’t really like apples.

It always jars me to admit that because from day to day I walk around thinking I like apples, and this delusion inevitably leads me to making purchases like the one above.

But I’m not that big a fan. Can’t stand apple juice. Not keen on apple pie unless it’s a small slice and it’s mostly crust. I make a little “yuck face” every time someone mentions apple sauce. Hard apple cider I can do if the occasion’s right. That’s about it.

Even plain, healthy apples give me trouble. I don’t like red apples and I don’t like sweet apples. If I’m going to eat an apple it’s got to be green and tart and sliced into wedges.

Apple issues. That’s what I’ve got.

Yet I adore the imagery, so much. It’s not even the “forbidden fruit” aspect that hooks me (although I DO like it and I’ve used it in that context). The fruit from the tree of knowledge that Adam & Eve took a bite out of was never actually called an apple. I like that if you cut an apple in half you get five seeds and those five seeds can stand for anything from the elements (fire, water, earth, air, soul) to the body of a person (head, hands, feet) to a simple five pointed star. I love that in DeathNote the shinigami actually find them addictive, and that Ryuk in particular calls them “jooshy.”

Even that great sound an apple makes when someone bites into it. There’s something savage about that sound. I especially like it when a person buffs the apple on their shirt and then tears a chunk out of it–lure the prey in with a false sense of comfort and go in for the kill.

Apple torture. Just further highlights the issues I mentioned above.

And while I won’t eat a red apple, my characters sure as hell will, because to me red feels more seductive, more lush. If vampires didn’t drink blood, they’d probably eat red apples instead.*

Apple pie does a similar thing to me. I don’t like to eat it, but thinking about it elicits images of hearth and home. Of cold winter nights and warm fires.

Most of my stories make an apple reference in them somewhere. I think Paul’s Dream and Want Me are the only ones that don’t, although someone recently mentioned they think I’m wrong on that. If you know for sure there’s an apple reference in either of those books, be the first to paste the quote on this thread in the comments and I’ll send you an 8×10 glossy of that book cover. 🙂

So there you have it. My first post about apples. I should file it with the post I did a while back about shoes. Sometimes I’m really, really glad that “ramblings” is right there in the title of this blog to warn people of what lies ahead.

I’ll let you know if the giant piece of candied whatever above changes my mind about apples. 🙂

*Note: I hope I didn’t turn anyone off of red apples with the vampire analogy. I do not believe that red apples taste in any way like blood.**

**Note#2: But you gotta admit, vampire fangs are probably pretty handy when tearing into an apple. 😀

4 Responses to “Apples”

  1. JenB says:

    *gasp* Are you considering letting that beautiful thing go to waste???

    I love apples. For a long time I hated them, but I’ve learned to love them again this year. Now I eat them nearly every day. I even love apple juice! And yes, I love candy-coated apples too. 🙂

    Cut it up and eat it! NOM NOM NOM.

  2. Anne Cain says:

    I…I have apple issues too. *headdesk* I’ll see beautiful treats like the one you bought and I’ll think I’ll like it…but I don’t. *g*

    The only type of apple I will willingly enjoy are fuji apples. Those are crispy and sweet without being too sweet. 😀

  3. @JenB – lol. Yes yes, most likely tonight. 😀

    @Anne Cain – Maybe we should start a support group. 😉

  4. Libra says:

    Rowan, dude… I adore you. =}~

    I LOVE… and I mean with an almost obscene passion… caramel covered apples. Oddly enough though, the only raw, unadorned, plain apples I like are either Roma or Fuji apples. (Go Anne!) They’re not too sweet or too tart, and the texture is nice. Big red apples LOOK pretty, but are always too grainy. Yes, I have though long and hard about this! 😉

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