I bought this on impulse the other day:
As you can see, this thing is so horrible that the retailers had no choice but to tie it with what I assume to be a spiritual ribbon before sealing it inside a blessed cylinder. My camera kindly recorded the date I bought it right onto the photo. I’ve not yet worked up the courage to break the seal.
Itās got a chocolate shell studded with pecans. There might be caramel involved somewhere, but Iām not sure. The package would have me believe thereās an apple in there as well.
I have no idea how one goes about consuming such a thing. Apparently it serves 8-10 people, so Iām contemplating having some sort of candy apple party at my place. It would be good to have some friends in on this because (1) almost everything is better with friends and (2)⦠wellā¦
I donāt really like apples.
It always jars me to admit that because from day to day I walk around thinking I like apples, and this delusion inevitably leads me to making purchases like the one above.
But Iām not that big a fan. Canāt stand apple juice. Not keen on apple pie unless itās a small slice and itās mostly crust. I make a little āyuck faceā every time someone mentions apple sauce. Hard apple cider I can do if the occasionās right. Thatās about it.
Even plain, healthy apples give me trouble. I donāt like red apples and I donāt like sweet apples. If Iām going to eat an apple itās got to be green and tart and sliced into wedges.
Apple issues. Thatās what Iāve got.
Yet I adore the imagery, so much. Itās not even the āforbidden fruitā aspect that hooks me (although I DO like it and Iāve used it in that context). The fruit from the tree of knowledge that Adam & Eve took a bite out of was never actually called an apple. I like that if you cut an apple in half you get five seeds and those five seeds can stand for anything from the elements (fire, water, earth, air, soul) to the body of a person (head, hands, feet) to a simple five pointed star. I love that in DeathNote the shinigami actually find them addictive, and that Ryuk in particular calls them ājooshy.ā
Even that great sound an apple makes when someone bites into it. There’s something savage about that sound. I especially like it when a person buffs the apple on their shirt and then tears a chunk out of it–lure the prey in with a false sense of comfort and go in for the kill.
Apple torture. Just further highlights the issues I mentioned above.
And while I wonāt eat a red apple, my characters sure as hell will, because to me red feels more seductive, more lush. If vampires didnāt drink blood, theyād probably eat red apples instead.*
Apple pie does a similar thing to me. I donāt like to eat it, but thinking about it elicits images of hearth and home. Of cold winter nights and warm fires.
Most of my stories make an apple reference in them somewhere. I think Paulās Dream and Want Me are the only ones that donāt, although someone recently mentioned they think Iām wrong on that. If you know for sure thereās an apple reference in either of those books, be the first to paste the quote on this thread in the comments and Iāll send you an 8×10 glossy of that book cover. š
So there you have it. My first post about apples. I should file it with the post I did a while back about shoes. Sometimes Iām really, really glad that āramblingsā is right there in the title of this blog to warn people of what lies ahead.
Iāll let you know if the giant piece of candied whatever above changes my mind about apples. š
*Note: I hope I didnāt turn anyone off of red apples with the vampire analogy. I do not believe that red apples taste in any way like blood.**
**Note#2: But you gotta admit, vampire fangs are probably pretty handy when tearing into an apple. š
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